Opening Night

Opening Night

by Bytch Hedmurg


"Well guys that was one for the books," Jephanie sighed as he locked the glass door and flipped the “Open” sign to read "Closed."
"Yeah the book of Mormon right guys?! haha" Trey chuckled, looking around hopefully at his friends.
"I don't get it bro" Seth said "Mormons are stupid right? Hey Jeph aren't mormons stupid?"
"Oh the worst. Polacks of the West is what my daddy called 'em" Jephanie replied, crossing behind the bar.
"Are you calling us STUPID bro?" Seth asked Trey accusingly.
"No I'm just making a joke dude sorry if you didn't GET it" Trey said, perturbed. “Fuckin’ retard,” he muttered under his breath.
"Hey knock it off you two!" Jephanie scolded. sounding remarkably like Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life. "We've got bigger problems than Trey's terrible joke writing." He was right. It was opening night at the The Comedy Dungeon and things had not gone well. Turnout was thin, the opening comics were bickering, and to top it all off a bunch of "social justice warriors" had spent the whole show provoking passers-by to honk their horns throughout the headliner's set. Jephanie was mortified, but no one said this was going to be easy. He plopped 4 shot glasses on the bar and retrieved a bottle of Patron from atop the liquor shelf. "SHOTS!" he announced to the room as he filled them recklessly, spilling liquor onto the black lacquer bartop.
"DID SOMEBODY SAY SHOTS?" an obnoxious voice bellowed from the restrooms. "by the way gang DO NOT GOT IN THERE!! AAAUUGH!" he shrieked. It was Sammy, a Sam Kinison tribute that, true to form, screamed every other sentence in an effort to echo one of America's greatest embarrassments, ranking just behind Bill Cosby and just ahead of lil Timmy McVeigh.
"To Comedy!" Trey announced lifting his shot glass to toast.
"TO COMEDY!!" they all repeated in concert, downing their Patron. They plunked the glasses back down on the bar simultaneously and without a word, refilled the glasses and downed another round.
For a moment the four stared off in quiet contemplation, huddled around the bar.


Jephanie Spanks was an obese man dressed like a clearance sale at Mervynn's. He bore a strong resemblance to a buddha candle that had been left in a car on a hot summer day. Trey Willfong was the polar opposite, a scrawny scarecrow with a ragged wizard's beard and the vacant stare of a cabbage patch kid. Seth Avocado was raised in a basement chained to a mattress in front of a television that played nothing but 70s Cuban exploitation flicks and rape porn, and it showed in both his sense of style and personality. All three wore long faces until Sammy broke the silence.
"buck up motherFUCKERRS!" he screamed, clinging to his desperate act like a toddler clutching its bankie. "THIS IS THE FUCKING LIFEE AHHHH! AAAUUGH!" he picked up the bottle of Patron and took a huge swig. Slamming the bottle back on the counter he produced a small bag of cocaine from the inside pocket of his jacket. "I know what you bros NEED. AAHHH COKE! AAAAUGH!"
Trey's eyes lit up. "fuck yes, I knew it!" he thought. "Let's fuckin party!" he said as Jephanie and Seth high-fived.
Sammy cut up 4 fat lines on the bar. He surveyed his cohorts and asked "So who's first?" before interrupting "just kidding SAMMIES FIRST BABY AAHHH AAUGH OOHH!" and with that he hoovered one of the lines into his nose through a rolled up one dollar bill. "you're next big boy," he said handing the dollar bill to Jephanie. "I am going to need that back though," he added.
As Jephanie squared himself over the bar to do his line, Sammy sidled up behind him, placing his hands on Jeph's shoulders and grinding his hips against the fat man's sprawling backside. He leaned in close to Jephs sweaty earlobe and nuzzling his nose in the moisture, he whispered "Go ahead baby take it all in one shot. I know you can do it."
Jephanie was nervous but he steeled himself against the entertainer's advance. "This is what you wanted," he thought to himself reassuringly. His body quivered at the innuendo and he bent down and snorted the coke with a look of sheer determination etched into his bulbous fist of a face. As the rush of the stimulant set his bloodstream ablaze he could feel Sammy's erection begin to swell against his flank.
"Good Boy" Sammy cooed.
"I'm next! Trey erupted. he had noticed the attention paid to his mentor and seethed with jealousy. He grabbed at the dollar bill tube greedily and snorted his line in one fell swoop. "Beat that, pussy!" he challenged, thrusting the dollar into Seth's chest.
"Beat what dude? I don't get it" Seth said weakly "can we just chill and have a good time for once?"
With that, Trey became enraged, grabbing the back of Seth's head by the hair and forcing his head down until it was only a few inches above the bar. "Now take it you fucking faggot! TAKE IT!" he growled through grit teeth. Seth wedged the dollar between the bar and his nostril and with considerable difficulty managed to get most of the dose up his nose.  


Meanwhile, Sammy and Jephanie continued to grind against each other like two Krispy Kremes in a lunchbox. Sammy nuzzled into the nape of Jeph's neck, like a lion taming his lioness. He reached around and tore open his shirt clutching at Jeph's ample breastmeat as he ground his swelling cock against his eager and reciprocating buttocks.
"Oh wow guys that is so hot" Seth said mindlessly as he watched, Trey's boney fingers still clutching to the back of his head.
"Oh you like that do ya huh?" Trey mocked "That figures you fucking faggot! I bet I know what you would like even more." Even before finishing his sentence, Trey ripped at Seth's hair, forcing his head down into the denim of his crotch.
Seth gagged slightly as the faint stench of urine and gorgonzola rushed his nostrils. "Yes sir! yes sir!" he agreed gratefully. His eyes were bursting with excitement as he unbuckled his assailant's belt and tore at the zipper of his jeans.

"Hop up on the bar sweetheart," Sammy commanded condescendingly as he stripped away Jephanie's shirt, unfurling an avalanche of moist manflesh. Jeph turned to face Sammy and started to hoist himself before Sammy stopped him. "uh-uh-uh" he scolded, "First things first. Let's lose these slacks baby" Sammy grasped at his erection, bulging through his pants as he watched Jeph's chinos drop to the floor, revealing a pair of worn novelty boxers fashioned after the cover of the Rolling Stone's Sticky Fingers album.
"Brown sugar" he snarled. "how come you TASTE SO GOOD!?" he screeched.

Seth had freed Trey's still flaccid cock from it's musty cotton prison and now leered quizzingly at the wad of wrinkled dickmeat that he kneaded in his hand. He felt like he was trying to resuscitate a baby bird in its nest. "I don't get it bro" he pleaded. "don't you want me?"
"what the FUCK did you say to me FAGGOT?!" Trey demanded forcing Seth's face hard against his penis "Open that little bitch mouth before I break your fucking jaw you goddamned queer"
Seth opened his mouth and engulfed Trey's sleepy cock eagerly. He gasped and choked a bit, saliva leaking from the corner of his mouth as he gulped desperately at the token of his validation. He felt the slightest twitch and at once he could feel Trey's fuckmuscle begin to swell in his eager cheeks. A warm wave of validation washed through his body as Trey's hips began to thrust forcefully against his face.

Jephanie had shed his boomer bloomers and was now seated atop the bar, his legs spread wide in offering to Sammy. "You're gonna love this baby," Sammy assured as he moistened the tip of his middle finger and stuck it his baggie of coke. When he retrieved the finger it was frosted with cocaine. "lean back sweetheart," he urged.
Jephanie did as he was told, lying back on the bar, clutching his rock hard micropenis between a thumb and forefinger and twisting the tiny head like a broken volume knob.
Sammy pressed his coke-covered middle finger into the dark recess of Jephanie's now exposed asscrack. He wiggled his finger slightly until he felt the clutching pucker of Jeph's rectum and all once plunged deep. A squeal of pleasure escaped Jephanie's mouth like a rush of air from a stretched balloon.
By now Trey's erection had reached it's full four inches and he was sawing the sallow shaft in and out of Seth's mouth like a piston. "you like sucking that hog don't you bitchboy? I bet your mom taught you everything you know huh you little cocksucking fag!"
Seth suddenly retrieved his face from it fellatious embrace. his eyes were watering and gobs of drool were oozing down his matted beard. "I don't get it bro. do you mean she sucked my cock or like she showed me on my dad or...?"
"Just fucking suck it bro" Trey commanded as he forced his already softening penis back into the slobbering gob of his devoted flunkie.

Jephanie was writhing like an ecstatic piglet as Sammy explored his prostate with greasy fingers. "I think youre ready to meet 'the Minister.'" Sammy said, removing his fingers from Jeph's anus with an audible 'schlop.'
"Oh yes Sammy please I'm your biggest fan" Jephanie squealed with delight, jerked his puny manhood frantically and lifted his legs as high as his distended belly would allow. Sammy had taken a step back for clearance and with a demonic chuckle he unzipped his slacks and unfurled a mighty ten inch cock that looked  like something that had been hanging in the front window of an Italian deli. He gave the beastly appendage a few deliberate strokes, coaxing a bead of seminal fluid from the gaping mouth of the trouser snake.


Trey's attention was immediately fixed on the impressive erection even as he plunged mindlessly into the slackjawed fuckhole who's name he was struggling in the moment to remember. "I knew it," he thought to himself "I knew Sammy had a big dick. I bet Jeselnik has a nice big fucking cock too. ungh." Trey's thoughts drifted into reverie as he fantasized about Anthony Jeselnik, completely naked but for a leather jacket and  jockstrap. Jeselnik is seated in a barber's chair on a stage, before a packed stadium and he's masturbating furiously to underage pornography, while the audience cheers wildly. until all at once he stops stroking, rises from the chair, approaches the mic stand and says "I don't get it bro."
"What the fuck did you say?" Trey demanded, shaken from his daydream.
"I just don't get it." Seth whined  "Why can't you be present? I feel like you're a million miles away. We don't even kiss anymm-"
"I'll give you something to get," Trey nonsensically threatened as he shoved his spotted cock back into Seth's mouth.

Sammy pressed the slimy tip of his dick against the warm and wanting pucker of Jephanie's asshole. "Go slow, daddy" Jeph pleaded, clutching at his fat man-tits and biting his lip.
"Shut your fucking mouth before I gag you you little whore. Daddy goes as hard AS HE WANTS! AAUGH! UNGH!" and with a barbaric yawp of triumph he plunged the entirety of his massive fuckpole into the reluctant sleeve of Jephanie's boypussy.
"HOLY FUCKING SHEEEITTT" Jeph cried out with a blood-curdling wail. "Yes Daddy YES!"
"YOU LOOK LIKE MY FIRST WIFE!!" Sammy taunted as he began to pound his engorged meatsicle recklessly into the submissive club owner's colon.  He rubbed the head of Jeph's microcock with his thumb while he plunged. "that's a good girl, fuck daddy back. FUCK DADDY BACK AAHH! AUGH!"
Jephanie writhed in ecstasy like a fish in a styrofoam cooler, babbling incoherently as he did his best to grind back against Sammy's insistent cockhammer.

Trey was getting close to climax and the sight of Jephanie's submission was just enough to push him over the edge. he grabbed at Seth's head with both hands and redoubled his efforts, warning "Alright faggot I'm going to cum! get ready for it!"
"Mmm-hmmm, mm-hmmph" Seth moaned a mouthful of agreement and was soon rewarded with a mouthful of watery semen that tasted like clotted milk with the oil drained from a can of rotted salmon. Trey held Seth's head tight against his crotch grinding his nose against his pelvis as he continued to pump his cream of yeet, now overflowing from the corners of Seth's mouth adding to the slobbery mess in his matted beard.
"You stupid bitch!" Trey yelled as he withdrew his deflating sausage "I told you to swallow IT ALL!" He promptly slapped Seth's messy face with a splat. Globules of slobber and semen flew from his cheek like a boxer catching a left cross, landing with a splat across Jephanie's distended belly, rippling in time with Sammy's unforgiving thrusts.
"You want this load fuckpig, DO YOU?! AAAH!" Sammy screamed.
"Oh yes Daddy yes give me that hot load of baby batter. I NEED IT DADDY" Jephanie begged.
Sammy grabbed the back of Jeph's thighs, hoisting the legs to allow himself a clearer view of his raging cock plunging into the fatman' s now thoroughly conquered butthole. He noticed a small rivulet of blood on the shaft of his cock and was elevated to a new level of pleasure. "You didn't tell me you were a virgin baby" he cooed. His eyes lit up maniacally and he bit his lower lip as the urgency of his thrusts increased. "THIS IS IT BABY IM GONNA CUM! AHH! OHH! AUUUUGH" He slammed one final thrust into Jephanie's rectum and his cock began to spew forth it's payload.
Jephanie's mind exploded as he felt the pulses of warm cream filling his guts like an eclair. "This is it" he thought "It's all happening. all the hard work is finally paying off. who's laughing now motherfuckers" As that thought passed through his mind he erupted into joyous laughter.
Sammy withdrew his softening tubesteak and felt his heart swell with accomplishment as he admired Jeph's hysterics. "Yep. Crushed It." he boasted proudly to Trey and the two exchanged high fives.
"Like a can of tomatoes" Trey agreed.
Seth screwed up his face, contemplating the analogy before announcing weakly "I don't get it bro."



Jason Green